The Kathy Griffin
So then, land spotted and all around her vessels of every shape, size and propulsion. We were sailin towards the island when Billy’s eye caught sight of a craft that made him jolt.
“They’re flyin’ a Jolly Roger!” he shouted.
“What? Where? ” they shouted. Billy was leaning as far out as he could and pointing with a
straight arm and steely gaze. “That one” He said. “Pontoon…looks like a rental and fully loaded for festivities!”
“Raise the flag mates!” shouted Capt’n Dave.
We angled around and pulled along side her. She was a rental alright. There were about ten to twelve people on board dancing drinking and consorting in merriment, but it was the cooler that really caught our eye.
“That’s a mighty cooler.” Morty said hoarsely.
“Aye…and they’re equipped with a propane grill.” pointed out Billy.
“Ahoy Mateys! I see ye be fellow brethren of the coast!” called Capt’n Dave as he gestured grandly to our flag.”I’m Capt’n Dave and this be the Bloody Anne.”
“We’reWHAT?” “Oh how cute!”,”Hell-loo!”, “Hi!” was the reply from the rental. “we’re calling our boat the Kathy Griffin!”
“Ye gods…..”said Capt’n Dave as he swiveled towards us, “me thinks we come across some bisexual buccaneers!”
“I love the rainbow sail!” called one. “Love your costumes!” shouted another.
“COSTUMES!” said Billy. “We be PIRATES and these are not costumes you scallywag landlovin’…..”
“I knew that rainbow sail was gonna be trouble.” Cursed Morty.
“Are ye headed for Bird Island?” called Captn Dave cutting off Billy’s tirade before it got out of hand.
“What’s that?” “Where is it?” they chimed.
“It’s dead ahead.” Said Capt’n Dave. “Follow us and we’ll show you where to beach!”
“Yay! A beach party!” they yelled and the music got louder and the dancing more frenzied as they approached the beach.
We coasted in on the surf and they drove the pontoon in beside us.
As was the code of the Brethren of the Coast, we extended them the utmost hospitality. We explained Bird Island to them. We pointed out the contrasting skylines of the North Carolina coast and the high rise coast of South Carolina. We also showed them the kindred spirit mailbox on the beach there. Visitors are expected to leave a message for those that come after them. Billy was busy scrawling out a letter to all visitors of the eastern seaboard and to my best recollection it went like this:
Take heed and be warned that the coastal waters of the Carolinas belong to the Capt’n and crew of the Bloody Anne. Tis ham we seek and ham we shall have!
Expect no quarter and we ask none in return.
Pirates we be and all are our prey.
NONE are safe.
Capt’n Mad Dave Rackham, Lord Red Morty Flint and the Black Reverend Billy Cash.
We all read the letter and the crew of the Kathy Griffin thought it was adorable.
“Who wants a margarita?” yelled a petite brown skinned lass in a white bikini……small white bikini.
It was well known of Billy’s weakness for the tequila. “Count me in lass and what be your name?”
“Bam Bam!” she squealed.
“Good Lord” muttered Billy to us under his breath, “This lass is packin a saber!” We all looked. It was true. This petite little brown skinned girl was a guy!
“Fire up your blender sweetie and make with the margaritas” Billy leered at her/him.
“Billy…..it’s a guy” said Dave.
“Aye” he winked, “but best to play along til we get a lay of the land.” At which point he gallantly took the arm of Bam Bam and led him/her to the pontoon for drinks.
Capt’n Dave and Morty mingled and meandered about various groups of partyers on the beach. Billy caught up with them two campfires down. Walking up with a HUGE margarita in hand Billy said, ”It don’t feel right mates. We’re not a landing party…we’re raiders of the sea.”
“We were just saying the same thing” agreed Morty “Being sneak thieves has no honor. We need to take by fire!”
“We should return to the sea” said Captn Dave solemnly.
“Just a tick.” said Billy “Jonathon...a word”he called to the partyers from the Kathy Griffin.
“These boys are on holiday from a hairdresser convention in Myrtle Beach.” Explained Billy “They rented this pontoon fully stocked for a party.”
“Not really pirates are they then” said Morty with a leer.”The code need not apply.”
“Jonathon lad,” said Billy as he put his arm around Jonathon’s shoulders in a friendly way, ”being the designated pilot of your ship…would’ja be so kind as to give us a tow out past the breakers?”
“The waves are barely breaking….we can easily OOOMPH” Captn Dave lost his breath as Morty elbowed him in the side.
“We can easily tie on to the back of your boat he means” smiled Morty just as friendly as you please.
“Well…alright….just let me get Marcus to help.” He said.
“No matter” spoke up Morty “Capt’n Dave will steer our boat and Billy and I will ride with you and dive off after we’re out.”
So it was agreed: We tied the Bloody Anne to the back of the Kathy Griffin and set off past the meager breakers in to the deeper waters of the Atlantic coast.
“How far out do you need to go?” asked Jonathon.
“A few yards more mate. Then we’ll catch the current” said Billy “Ever heard the tale of Davey Jones?”
“The Monkee?” asked Jonathon.
“No mate…Davey Jones, Old Hobb, the Seaman’s destiny!” thundered Morty “He’s down there!” he said pointing down into the dark abyss.
“Where...” said Jonathon as he leaned over the side for a better look.
And that was when it happened. “Right there” said Billy as he gently placed his foot on Jonathon’s rump and pushed.
There was a high pitched scream as Jonathon plunged into the dark cold sea. “We told you we were pirates mate!” Billy shouted down at him. “costumes my ASS”
“Swim for the shore mate and we’ll take our leave.” said Morty as he flung a life jacket down upon Jonathon’s head.
“You BASTARDS!” screeched Jonathon, ”I’ll have you arrested!”
“Make sure you get the names right ya bilge rat”spat Morty.
End of Part One