Monday, March 23, 2009

Chapter Four
The Kathy Griffin

So then, land spotted and all around her vessels of every shape, size and propulsion. We were sailin towards the island when Billy’s eye caught sight of a craft that made him jolt.

“They’re flyin’ a Jolly Roger!” he shouted.

“What? Where? ” they shouted. Billy was leaning as far out as he could and pointing with a
straight arm and steely gaze. “That one” He said. “Pontoon…looks like a rental and fully loaded for festivities!”

“Raise the flag mates!” shouted Capt’n Dave.

We angled around and pulled along side her. She was a rental alright. There were about ten to twelve people on board dancing drinking and consorting in merriment, but it was the cooler that really caught our eye.

“That’s a mighty cooler.” Morty said hoarsely.

“Aye…and they’re equipped with a propane grill.” pointed out Billy.

“Ahoy Mateys! I see ye be fellow brethren of the coast!” called Capt’n Dave as he gestured grandly to our flag.”I’m Capt’n Dave and this be the Bloody Anne.”

“We’reWHAT?” “Oh how cute!”,”Hell-loo!”, “Hi!” was the reply from the rental. “we’re calling our boat the Kathy Griffin!”

“Ye gods…..”said Capt’n Dave as he swiveled towards us, “me thinks we come across some bisexual buccaneers!”

“I love the rainbow sail!” called one. “Love your costumes!” shouted another.

“COSTUMES!” said Billy. “We be PIRATES and these are not costumes you scallywag landlovin’…..”

“I knew that rainbow sail was gonna be trouble.” Cursed Morty.

“Are ye headed for Bird Island?” called Captn Dave cutting off Billy’s tirade before it got out of hand.

“What’s that?” “Where is it?” they chimed.

“It’s dead ahead.” Said Capt’n Dave. “Follow us and we’ll show you where to beach!”

“Yay! A beach party!” they yelled and the music got louder and the dancing more frenzied as they approached the beach.

We coasted in on the surf and they drove the pontoon in beside us.

As was the code of the Brethren of the Coast, we extended them the utmost hospitality. We explained Bird Island to them. We pointed out the contrasting skylines of the North Carolina coast and the high rise coast of South Carolina. We also showed them the kindred spirit mailbox on the beach there. Visitors are expected to leave a message for those that come after them. Billy was busy scrawling out a letter to all visitors of the eastern seaboard and to my best recollection it went like this:

Take heed and be warned that the coastal waters of the Carolinas belong to the Capt’n and crew of the Bloody Anne. Tis ham we seek and ham we shall have!
Expect no quarter and we ask none in return.
Pirates we be and all are our prey.
NONE are safe.
Capt’n Mad Dave Rackham, Lord Red Morty Flint and the Black Reverend Billy Cash.

We all read the letter and the crew of the Kathy Griffin thought it was adorable.

“Who wants a margarita?” yelled a petite brown skinned lass in a white bikini……small white bikini.

It was well known of Billy’s weakness for the tequila. “Count me in lass and what be your name?”
“Bam Bam!” she squealed.

“Good Lord” muttered Billy to us under his breath, “This lass is packin a saber!” We all looked. It was true. This petite little brown skinned girl was a guy!

“Fire up your blender sweetie and make with the margaritas” Billy leered at her/him.

“Billy…’s a guy” said Dave.

“Aye” he winked, “but best to play along til we get a lay of the land.” At which point he gallantly took the arm of Bam Bam and led him/her to the pontoon for drinks.
Capt’n Dave and Morty mingled and meandered about various groups of partyers on the beach. Billy caught up with them two campfires down. Walking up with a HUGE margarita in hand Billy said, ”It don’t feel right mates. We’re not a landing party…we’re raiders of the sea.”

“We were just saying the same thing” agreed Morty “Being sneak thieves has no honor. We need to take by fire!”

“We should return to the sea” said Captn Dave solemnly.

“Just a tick.” said Billy “Jonathon...a word”he called to the partyers from the Kathy Griffin.
“These boys are on holiday from a hairdresser convention in Myrtle Beach.” Explained Billy “They rented this pontoon fully stocked for a party.”

“Not really pirates are they then” said Morty with a leer.”The code need not apply.”

“Jonathon lad,” said Billy as he put his arm around Jonathon’s shoulders in a friendly way, ”being the designated pilot of your ship…would’ja be so kind as to give us a tow out past the breakers?”

“The waves are barely breaking….we can easily OOOMPH” Captn Dave lost his breath as Morty elbowed him in the side.
“We can easily tie on to the back of your boat he means” smiled Morty just as friendly as you please.

“Well…alright….just let me get Marcus to help.” He said.

“No matter” spoke up Morty “Capt’n Dave will steer our boat and Billy and I will ride with you and dive off after we’re out.”

So it was agreed: We tied the Bloody Anne to the back of the Kathy Griffin and set off past the meager breakers in to the deeper waters of the Atlantic coast.

“How far out do you need to go?” asked Jonathon.

“A few yards more mate. Then we’ll catch the current” said Billy “Ever heard the tale of Davey Jones?”

“The Monkee?” asked Jonathon.

“No mate…Davey Jones, Old Hobb, the Seaman’s destiny!” thundered Morty “He’s down there!” he said pointing down into the dark abyss.

“Where...” said Jonathon as he leaned over the side for a better look.

And that was when it happened. “Right there” said Billy as he gently placed his foot on Jonathon’s rump and pushed.

There was a high pitched scream as Jonathon plunged into the dark cold sea. “We told you we were pirates mate!” Billy shouted down at him. “costumes my ASS”

“Swim for the shore mate and we’ll take our leave.” said Morty as he flung a life jacket down upon Jonathon’s head.

“You BASTARDS!” screeched Jonathon, ”I’ll have you arrested!”

“Make sure you get the names right ya bilge rat”spat Morty.
End of Part One

Monday, February 2, 2009

Chapter Three

Lobster, flags and tits that won’t quit

The day was like no other. Blue skies, warm, yet not too humid and the sea was calm with just enough breeze for smooth sailin’.

We stood there, we three, Red Morty Flint, Black Billy Cash and Capt’n Mad Dave Rackham and we admired ourselves and our ship.

The ‘Bloody Anne” had grown, as had we, into a proper vessel for pirates. We had learned to strap down any and everything we needed for our forays out in the deep blue. We had also, at Billy’s insistence, rigged a pulley onto our mast for raising the many flags we now had on board. Billy was adamant about some historical points of sailing, he was, after all, a teacher on the mainland.

“The ships did not fly their colors all the time.” It was night and we sat in the captain chairs at the bar at Rockafellers drinking Coronas and playing with the lobster we won in the Claw game at the front of the restaurant. It was one of those “three fingered games usually filled with stuffed animals and such, arranged in a way that rendered them impossible to catch. Rockafeller’s had invented a new twist…for a mere two dollars American you could lower the claw into the aquarium and try to catch a live lobster! If you caught one you brought it to the bar and they would cook your lobster dinner for free. Billy’s wife Bloody Anne, for which our ship was named, was a real terror at the game. Her insane love of the taste of buttered lobster flesh honed her concentration to a keen super human level that allowed her to dine on two dollar lobster at will. We however, were not as skilled and so, after spending sixteen dollars on our ‘free’ lobster, we sat at the bar watching ‘Pinchey” wander about on the bar and make the touron patrons a little uneasy.

“You see,” said Billy getting back to his lecture, Ships would sail many waters. When another ship was sighted they would fly the colors of that area….like Spain, or France or England. When they became within hailing distance they would call out to each other the Captains names, the name of the ship and the destination. If there was any need for further proof or trade then an emissary would come across on a dingy and supply the needed information or trading of supplies.”
“So the Jolly Roger was only raised after tricking the first ship to get in close!” said Capt’n Dave. “I see…” said Morty, and each pirate had his own flag as well.” “Right” Said Billy, “and that is why I made THIS!” and with a flourish he pulled from under his shirt THE FLAG.
“Now we sail proper.” Said Morty.
I relate this information with a purpose to be shown later. The flags and history became ingrained in our quest the next day. For those that choose to ignore history are doomed to repeat it.

And so it was that we sailed out towards Bird Island fully stocked, half crocked and carrying many flags.

As we sailed up the coast we passed many-a-day sailors. We chose not to engage them, saving our strength and reserve for bigger prey ‘cept one: a young couple probably in their early twenty’s, were out on a rental cat. We were about to sail past them when we all noticed the form of the girl. Sitting on the tarp of the cat, leaning back on her arms she looked just like the silhouette of the girl on trucker mud flaps.

This was impressive enough yet it was the obviously store bought and impressive size of the young ladies bosom that gave us heed.

“That be a “working” pair there lads.” Said Morty. “Aye, She be dancing on the pole in some ‘gentlemen’s club fer sure.” Said Capt’n Dave.
“Ahoy Mate!” called out Billy. “Are ye not aware of the “LAW?”
“Huh? What law?” replied the clean cut boy.
“The law of the SEA, lad!” shouted Billy. “Once yer out this far, all maidens are required to remove their tops. Everyone knows that!”( This is an unwritten, but true law of the sea.)
“He’s right you know!”called out Dave.
“Really?” asked the lass. “Oh HELL yes.” said a wide eyed Morty.
“Now just a minute….” Stammered her dashing date, but it was too late.
Laughing and shimmying, the young lass snapped off her bikini top and began waving it about her head like a flag.
We all politely applauded and Morty went as far as to actually stand up on the tarp with one hand on the mast and with a formal bow he tipped his imaginary hat as the young lady squeezed her already heaving bosom between her arms and blew him a kiss.
We sailed away to the sweet sounds of the girls laughter as her date was cursing us and shaking his fist.

“Poor dumb bastard doesn’t even realize we did him a favor.” Mused Morty as he waved at the ever shrinking boat. “Sit down before you capsize us you dolt!” shouted Dave. Still, before he got down, Morty chanced a glance in the direction of Bird Island.

“Land Ho!” he called out. “and ships galore!” We all trained our eyes towards the approaching shore and saw the many pontoons and other sailing ships we had dreamed of.
“This is actually making me aroused.” Growled Capt’n Dave.
“Hey! None of that!” shouted Billy. He remembered the words of Bloody Anne on the eve of their departure: “NO swabbin’ the poop deck!” she had said, and Billy knew to take heed.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Chapter Two: May - ham on the high seas

May - ham on the high seas
In previous stories and tales you have heard of the collaboration of two seafaring men that desired to become pirates. These two, now know as Red Morty Flint and Black Billy Cash, procured a ship, honed their craft and began their quest for treasure.

Value is a strange thing. The rarest of things becomes the most valuable. This is also true of need. A man marooned on an island has no need for jewels, but offer him water and food and he will gladly make the trade.
For obscure reasons forgotten even to us the most highly sought prize, the Holy Grail our “White whale”, as it were, became the act of making a ham sandwich, at sea, with totally appropriated ingredients.

This then was the general tone of our conversation at our assigned meeting place in the Port – o - the Strand…also known as the Hooters at 39 th Avenue. We had made several excursions since our first two reports and these were met with mild success. We pulled along several other catamarans demanding beer and, “ The makins of a Ham Sandwich!”. A few times it was necessary to open up with the water balloons. “Give’em a taste of latex!” became our battle cry. We had been rewarded, more times than not, with beer. It is , after all , a favorite among seafaring men and tourons alike. Yet we had never obtained the ham. This made it all the more important to us to actually make a ham sandwich.

“Aye. The Ham eludes us Morty.” Said I. “ The problem lies not with the Ham….but with our prey.” replied Morty. “As I sees it,” he said between bites of chicken wings and clams, ( which we had taken the habit of naming…the clams that is. ie: Cheryl, Bonnie, Lorna and such…crude but FUNNY), “ We been hitting mostly day sailors. Locals. They’re close to home and their own provisions so they need not pack supplies for long term sailin.” “ LIKE THE HAM!” blurted Billy. “Aye….the Ham.” Grinned Morty.

Oh, I had seen that grin before. Morty’s eyes would take on a faraway gaze, his smile would be serene and his demeanor very calm, yet I knew the maelstrom was coming….”We need to go up the coast where the party is hap’nin.” And then Billy’s eyes took on a clear blue sheen. He leaned in close and with a terrible smile said in unison with Morty: “Bird Island.”

Yes, Bird Island. It is the mainstay of the touron party boat rentals. The little obscure sand bar was the destination of many a pontoon boat laden with tourons, alcohol and yes….pork products. And so, the terrible deal was struck in an instant of clarity. Morty and Billy would sail north to Bird Island and pillage and loot the plethora of party goers there. This being settled they returned to the task of naming their clams. “Bettie!” “You said that already! Besides, she reminds me of a Lucy!” and so it went into the night……….

Chapter One

Chapter One: the begining

Well, we finally acquired a vessel. Our first round table discussions on the subject were heavily influenced by the intake of beer so we were of the mind: “If pirates we be – then the ship should be commandeered!” However, after a brief sobering we decided that legalities and bad joss would be to our disadvantage unless the boat were procured by “fairly legal means.”
So after scouring the local ads and bending the ear of any who would listen, we came upon our rig.

We originally set out for a Hobie Cat, but, remembering the advice of our friend Rick, who used to own the sail boat rentals and taught Billy to sail, decided on a Prindle with a rainbow colored sail.
We at first were reluctant to sail under the rainbow canvas, but after negotiating an extremely fair price we became the proud owners of our very own craft. At the time, we had no name for her.

Day one: We secured a cooler. Coleman. Sturdy. And LARGE. It would, after all, have to hold not only OUR supply of beer but also the hordes of various loot we hoped to gain on the high sea….and the rum. We cant forget the rum. To qoute black Billy: “We HAVE to have rum. Its traditional. And it must be hot. No ice. AND LIMES! WE MUST have LIMES!.They help to ward off the scurvy!....and also puke breath.” (Which, by the way is true. Billy was once marooned on a bouy in the waters off St. Thomas and not allowed back in to the dingy until he finished off a bottel of hot rum. To be fair it was not a FULL bottle by any means but there WAS lots of puking and the gnawing of limes.)

With the help of some heavy duty bungee straps, we secured the cooler to the fore-end of the trampoline, donned our life vests, (adourned with crudely drawn skulls and cross bones in permanent marker), pointed her east and began the task of pushing out through the surf.
Bear in mind and make no judgements here. - It has been at least 14 years since Black Billy sailed a vessel out into the breakers. So yes….disaster did befall us.

About 25 to 30 yards out into the surf we were rocked by a particulary vicious wave. This left our broadside exposed to the next wave and since we were already listing ….we tipped.
It was horrible. Now we were not only floundering in the shallows and being relentlesy pounded by waves, we were being surrounded by tourists. Some wanted to offer their feeble help and others were yelling. Cursing US!

It seems that not only did we flip a huge dangerous boat in their midsts, smashing the mast down in a fury of sea spray and white foam mere inches from their offsprings soft skulls, WE HAD ALSO LITTERED THE ENTIRE AREA WITH THE CONTENTS OF OUR COOLER!
Now the waves were tossing our precious cargo of beer down upon the heads and backs of the hapless tourons!

We managed to right the craft all by our onesies before the mast caught the sand beneath and snapped like a derby runners leg. We limped to shore none the worse for wear, but the damage caused was glaringly evident.
Beer cans were everywhere. Children were picking them up and spraying each other in innocent glee.
And that is when the authorities showed up.

The life guards were already shouting at us about “Reckless behaviour” and “Alcohol use on a water craft.”Then the beach cops showed up on their four wheelers. The young one was already showing veins in his neck as his face grew redder. Going down the list of offense after offense…just then the older cop jibbed in, “What are you supposed to be…PIRATES?” He had been eyeballing the disaster and sort of half-grinning to himself. Being the older and more experienced of the two he had learned to assess a situation before commiting to it. I had seen him look at our life vests and bandannas and sort of smile before he spoke to us.
Red Morty was first to speak…and he did it in pirate character. “ Aye! We be Pirates!” I felt the urge to chime in: “We were sailing the Bloody Anne when we met with a disasterous fate!” (Bloody Anne is my wifes pirate name. She is neither bloody nor named Anne, but it seemed a good ships name at the time.)
“You cant have glass bottles on the beach.” He said.
Black Billy pinged the side of the bottle with his HOB ring: “Plastic Mate.”
“Its STILL alcohol!” snarled the younger cop. “Aye.” Replied Morty, “but give us a minute or two and we will dispose of it….properly.”
At this point I thought the young ones head would explode, but the older cop put his hand on the guys shoulder and said:”Alright you scurvy dogs….you obviously live here so you know the rules. My partner and I are gonna make a loop around the beach. If when we come back and I see any beer cans, plastic bottles of rum or either one of you pirates on my beach….its the crossbar hotel for the both of you. Do you understand me?” “As clear as an unmuddied lake!” grinned Morty. “Gone like a dream.” Slurred Billy.

The cop walked away shaking his head while the younger kept talking to him and pointing at us. “ No offense to ye Billy..Yer a fine pirate to be sure, but Tis clear we need the wisdom of Captn Dave.” “Aye. Fine tuning is a must here.”
We hurriedly gathered our brews and cooler, tugged the cat up to the dunes and retired to the mainland to lick our wounds and drown our shame in alcohol.